This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
