he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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