gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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