you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
