Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
