The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
