i don't plan on having that self control this summer
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
