i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
