She tied me up with her honor cords...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
