i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
3 2 1 whiskey
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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