We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
