My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
