woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
In other news, I just burned my penis
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
