Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
