like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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