Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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