Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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