I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
