I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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