she was so not down for the gang bang
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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