I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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