You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
