i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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