I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Randomize
