this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
