so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
