Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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