what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
