LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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