I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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