Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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