I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
