ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
please don't ironically join a cult
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