There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
