Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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