have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
