Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
