at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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