Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Found the puke drawer
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Terrible idea I love it
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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