Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
