Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Mom said you looked used
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
