I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Two words: nipple clamps
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