new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
