I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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