Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Randomize
