how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
