i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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