I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
