He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
