Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
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I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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