I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Randomize
