hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
