You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
