i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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