about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
