did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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