Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
