if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
