new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
